I've often heard people say, "The thing about assholes is, everybody's got one." Well it isn't true. I don't have one. I used to, but my doctor cut it out and sewed it up. He "ripped me a new one," as it were, but it's on my abdomen. It also has a parastomal hernia. It looks like he sewed a softball into my belly. And the stoma, the bit of intestine that protrudes from the middle of the hernia, is a big, red, wrinkly lump. It looks like I have a third breast, under my belt. It sticks out as far. I wonder if, when I lose more weight, it will protrude just as far, or if there is fat over the bulging peritoneum, which will go away when I am thinner. I would like to think it would disappear on its own, if I can just work off a few pounds. But despite daily walks or hikes or yoga, my weight remains stable.
Initially, after the surgery, I lost quite a bit of weight. I gained about ten pounds back, when my appetite returned. I want to lose them again.
It seems, often, that I am dehydrated and constipated. I like to be constipated, because it doesn't require as many bag changes, and the solid excrement doesn't break down the adhesive the way softer, more liquid stools do.
I have a bit of a problem with what other ostomates call "pancaking". The adhesive barrier has a plastic ring onto which I snap the bags. That ring tends to corral the "poop" as it exits the stoma, and it all just piles up in that circle, until there is so much that it squeezes down into the very commodious bag. But the hump of shit that piles up inside the ring looks ridiculous under my clothes. To me it does, anyway. I was on a film shoot a few weeks ago, and when I learned that the two costume techs, both in their twenties, have had cancer, I told them about mine. I told them about my self-consciousness about the hernia and the bag. The female costume tech said, "I never even noticed, and I dressed you." She didn't actually "dress" me. She simply approved the clothing I put on, after I donned it. So... my 'hump" wasn't noticeable to her at all. After learning of the hump, she told me that I should always buy dresses in that cut, because I looked wonderful in it, and she said I'd also look great in A-line dresses, which would really flatter and camouflage anything below the waist.
She'd had a non-malignant cancer removed from her back. The male costume tech has had cancer all through his major organs and in his bones. they both look so beautiful and healthy that it filled me with hope, althoug I also felt a little sad and a little worried for the young man.
We are all human. We are all prone to diseases of every kind. Anyone can be afflicted with any illness at any time. You can do things to reduce your risk, but you can never eliminate all the risks. And if you could, there are still risks, from accidents, random violence, and natural or manmade disasters. So whether you have cancer or not, you should live every day as if it might be your last. Savor every moment. Treat those around you with love. Be kind. Be wise.
And when you feel the urge to tell someone something offensive, refrain. You never know how deeply it might wound them. And if you are wounded by their words, but you love them, suck it up. Consider that they do not realize they are hurting you, and that if they could feel the pain they are causing you, they would never have inflicted it. Shake off the offense. Find a way to counteract its effects on your psyche. Your emotions have power to affect your health, negatively or positively. Choose to love those who hurt you, and not to retaliate with more hurtful words.
It is certain that there are some who wound us deliberately, in word and in deed.
I wonder what motivates them.
I wonder if they have an emotional cancer that is eating away their souls.
I have resolved to be like the wise person who "studies to answer" instead of the fool who "opens wide his mouth."
I am pondering some remarks from a dear friend. They wounded me. But this friend has many deep and painful wounds. I had inadvertently added to them. I would not, for all the world, wound again, lest the resulting pain be so unbearable that it precipitates a rash and irrevocable response. I wish to heal, not to harm, to build and not tear down, and to love without judgment or criticism.
I don't want to be somebody's asshole. I'm not going to rip anybody a new one.
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