Did I say that here?

I know that somewhere on the vast blogosphere, I wrote, the other day, that I rather liked constipation, because it kept me from using too many bags. Insurance companies limit the amount they'll cover per month. I guess they decide how fast your body will break down the adhesive or how many bags you'll fill in a month's time. And my body uses more than the allowed limits.

I should stop eating.

But here's the thing... I should not have said I preferred constipation, because no sooner was that thought "out there" in the universe, than I became so extremely constipated that nothing could enter my intestines from the stomach. I writhed in pain for most of yesterday afternoon and evening, until I began vomiting, which happened a few times over the course of a few hours. I finally slept and then at four in the morning, I awakened and found a little squirt bottle, which I filled with warm water and used for an enema. I didn't get much water in... and not much came out... but the slow, sluggish pace that is usual for my intestines did resume.

Tonight, i drank a cup of chocolate laxative tea. It has had no effect whatsoever.

But at least I don't have the extreme cramping and vomiting.

I do not like the way my body works anymore.

When I have the kind of cramping that sends most people running to the toilet, I cannot go there. SOmetimes I do, anyway, but there is no point, except, perhaps, a bit of psychological relief. I have no anus. Nothing will ever exit from that orifice again. There is no orifice there, at all. Just a lump of scar tissue. The shop is closed. And very little moves through the newer hole on my abdomen. ANd when it moves, it must empty into a bag, which I must then empty and clean.

Some days I remove the bag dozens of times and clean out tiny little amounts of stool, over and over and over again, cleaning the bag until it's spotless, only to take it off and do it again, when another little morsel enters the bag. It's an obsession, at times. I have better days... days when I don't mind that the bag is filling under my clothes. Those are usually days when the stool is soft, almost liquid, and it flows easily into the lower part of the bag, instead of lumping up around the snap ring, making a pyramid on my belly.

I cannot figure out how to make my body produce the right consistency of excrement. Soft, hard, liquid, solid... it cannot make up its mind. Diet doesn't seem to affect it. Or does it? I think I ate more salads on the days when it was soft. Tomorrow, I'll eat a big salad for lunch, and another for dinner.