I-- want someone to take me away. I want someone to take over my life and make it work. I want a new career, and I want money to survive or better, and I want my daughters to have enough money, each, to survive on their own, but I want them to live close enough so that we can all eat together often and go to movies and work on movies together. I want someone to fix my writing so it all works wonderfully and grabs the reader or audience member by the throat and keeps them captive until they've had their fill of laughter, tears, suspense, surprise, and terror and relief... and grief...
BUt really, if I were to live my life passively, just letting everything happen to me and for me, I don't think my life would turn out the way I want it to.
On the other hand, I just feel completely paralyzed to do anything-- even to apply for assistance while the current disaster renders me unable to survive without massive infusions of cash from my mother, who really can't afford to keep it up.
I'm unemployed, and I'm a little too tired and sick to really pound the pavement looking for a new job. Not only that, but I keep having these daggone doctor appointments. I am finally getting over the infection that's responsible for the postponement of my chemotherapy, and now I have three appointments this week. Well, two. I have to make sure someone sets the third-- the one where they'll remove the drain from my butt. I guess I can pick up the phone and call the surgeon to see if he's requested it yet.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with Dr. Botnick at 2. Dr. Botnick is the radiation oncologist. He's just following up. Thursday at three, I see the oncologist about starting chemotherapy. Sometime Thursday or Friday I'm going to have to get this drain removed.
I'm tired, today, and I keep wanting to eat, as if that will mafically make me healthier or happier... but it doesn't. Now I want to quit eating... or I want to take a pain pill and see if my pain will all go away. My lower sacral spinal area is truly in excruciating pain. I guess I'll take a pill and make it go away... or at least decrease it a bit.
I wish I could do something that would fill my bank account with cash, so I oould pay my bills and all these nasty copays for the doctors I'm seeing. I have zero income. None. Zip. Everything I eat or put in the gas tank or wipe my nose with... is all paid for by my mom or my daughters.
And whenever I lie down, the room tilts and then spins, for a moment. I only got a few hours of sleep last night.
I've called the insurance company. They said an urgent request was placed Friday for the CT scan and the procedure at Providence St. Joseph's to remove the drain. So I should hear by Wednesday, at the latest, about that.
I want to open Craigslist and see a gig that's tailor made for me.
I want it to pay big bucks. I want to be the woman they're dreaming of, for the position. BUt look... I've got a doctor appointment tomorrow, another on Thursday, and an outpatient procedure on Friday, unless someone wants to screw up Thursday's doctor appointment by scheduling the procedure at the same time... which would suck. So I hope they just try for Friday.
Meanwhile, I'm in pain and I'm dizzy and I'm depressed. I think I'll just put on a Netflix movie and probably fall asleep.
Somebody, take me away. Somebody make all the medical issues go away. Somebody, give me a few thousand dollars... and fix my car. The radiator leaks and the axle is fractured... and other things are leaking. The brake light is always on...
I'm almost falling asleep as I write this.
I want everything to be wonderful.
But I guess I'm going to have to try to make that happen by myself. Last I looked, nobody was passing out tickets to an easier, painless, beautiful, wonderful life. A few fishermen just drowned in frigid water off the coast of Antarctica... They never had a chance. They didn't have life jackets or immersion suits. The longest they could survive was ten minutes, in that icy water. Their families at home were depending on the income they'd have earned, had the boat not sank. Now they'll have to figure out another way to survive. What do I have to complain about?
Sue~if there is one lesson that I have learned from the mixed martial arts, it is NEVER GIVE UP! I drove through an awful snow blizzard on a hundred mile detour for over five hundred miles to return to a place I call now, "My heaven on earth" I counted 59 cars that had driven into the ditch, as The Snow Witch tried as hard as she could to keep me from returning to my home, my heaven on earth. There even was a huge accident in Rockford with a minimum of 11 cars in ahuge pileup which I believe was meant for me. The Lion and those who prayed for me prevailed. I made it to the reception and I made it to the 40 Year Madrigal Reunion. I never gave up! I beg you to do the same. Keep writing! Write your memoirs, write your blog, write your screenplay, write your novel. You hold the keys of your own destiny in your hands. Write it, the publishers will come.
ReplyDelete